A Healthy State of Mind

I Love Cookies

2010-10-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been a major fail on the healthy food front.

The past several weeks there has been intermittent treating, but there has also been a conscientious effort to maintain control and substitute awesome things like cookies with less awesome but more healthy things like fruits and yoghurt.

And then the weekend hit.

My boyfriend and I finally had a housewarming party for our new apartment. We wanted to show it off to all our friends, finally. Clearly this was going to be a drinking party. Fail number one for me. Were there smart choices when it came to liquor? No. Anything was game. Instead of restricting myself to a couple of glasses of wine (honestly it would have just been a challenge to fit an entire bottle of wine into a couple glasses) or vodka soda, I grabbed anything and everything that was available to mix with my vodka. Mostly really sugary things like energy drinks and cranberry cocktail.

Bad. Very bad.

And I haven't even told you about the cookies and the cupcakes.

The first time we had a party and made cupcakes they were a huge hit. And so, ever since that first party, there have been cupcakes. People request that there be cupcakes before committing to the event. So cupcakes were made. And cupcakes were eaten during preparation. I also decided to make about 5 dozen cookies.

Well along with all the other appies that we made and the chips and veggies that were out, a lot of cookies and cupcakes were left. On the Sunday when I was hungover I decided that since the cookies were within reach, they would be excellent as a breakfast choice.

I went to the gym on Monday but as you know today is Thursday and I haven't gone back yet. After this confession, I think I have definitely shamed myself into going for a visit.

But I would so love a cookie right now!

Muli-tasking

2010-10-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a multi-tasker in all things. I can't even just watch TV most of the time, I need something else to do, whether its list-writing, texting, reading during commercials (when watching non-PVR'd programming). I can't help it.

So asking me to go to the gym and just work out is like asking Lindsay Lohan to sober up- its probably not going to happen.

Luckily my gym has thought to add individual TVs to all of their cardio equipment. You would think that that would be enough for me to stay occupied. And to be fair, I do tend to plan my workouts around what I could be watching while I'm there. I feel less guilty watching Days of our Lives when I'm sweating on the treadmill too.

But even individualized television viewing isn't enough for me. Commercials remember? I wasn't a huge fan of commercials before we got the PVR but now that we have effectively erased them from our lives I really can't stand them. Since Days (those of us that watch all the time can just call it Days) tends to have a lot of commercials to build anticipation, I've started to bring books or magazines to the gym with me.

Yup, I'm that girl. I stroll into the gym with a book/magazine, headphones, keys, membership card, and a cell phone.

(Don't worry, I never use the phone in the gym. Its a security thing my boyfriend insists on when I leave the house)

If you are a gym frequenter you will probably guess that I'm not much for the weight machines and you would be right. I refuse to keep my gym "equipment" in a gym locker because I used to work in a gym and there's a good chance it will get stolen. And I can't transport all my stuff with me to each machine. That would be ridiculous.

Almost as ridiculous as trying to read an article in Vogue about Fashion Week in Pakistan while jiggling about on the elliptical.

It just can't be helped. I need to multi-task. But one day, cardio alone just isn't going to cut it. And where does that leave me?

Girl Power

2010-10-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

I go to a women only gym. When I do go that is. Actually to be honest I have been going about 4 times a week for 3 weeks now. Four weeks? I should be keeping better track.

Point is, I go to a women only gym.

Its not that I have anything against men. I just don't want to work out with them. Mostly I don't want to work out with the kinds of women that put on full make up to go to the gym to work out with those men.

I never really got the concept of a women only gym until I started working at one. I thought it was highly ironic that they hired me in the first place, since my experience up until that point (I was 20) was that gyms only hired super fit staff. I was not (and am not) super fit. But they hired me and that was the first glimpse I got into this completely foreign (at the time) concept of a women only gym.

Five years later and I don't think I will ever go back to a co-ed gym.

I'm a bigger girl and working out with skinny girls isn't particularly motivating. They are all running on the treadmill barely breaking a sweat while I'm running on the treadmill praying I don't fall off the end and embarrass myself. Women only gyms mean all shapes and sizes of women at all different levels of fitness.

For me this inspires me with a healthy dose of competition.

If I see an old woman on the heavy side busting her ass on the elliptical beside me, you better believe that I'm going to try and work out longer and harder than her. Sure, I will probably fail because those old woman may look weak but if they are gym rats in their 70s, they can kick your ass. But for 10 minutes I'm giving it my all and that results in a better work out for me.

At a women only gym I don't feel like I'm being judged by other patrons. I'm sure that this is probably true of a co-ed gym as well, I'm sure that they are too busy with their own work outs to have any energy to spare on mine. But I'm a judgey person. I will totally judge strangers on their work outs. At a co-ed gym my inner monologue would probably be really catty to make up for my low self-esteem sweating beside glowing Barbie. But at my gym my inner monologue is much more positive and cheerleader-esque. I find myself fist pumping for the heavy girl running on a treadmill, or lifting weights, inspired by the older woman running for 20 minutes beside me.

I belong in a women's only gym. And that's a great feeling when you can't feel your legs.

Climbing Back On The Wagon

2010-09-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

Back and forth and round and round I go. Last summer, when I was really making a conscientious effort to get healthy, I ended up losing 15lbs, in about a month. Which was amazing. Is amazing.

Obviously, since then, I have fallen off the wagon. Several times. Like I mentioned in my last post (9 months ago) its supposed to take 30 days for something to become a habit. So this time, I'm on Day 2. I'm unemployed right now, which means that I have lots of time to do something about it. In fact, instead of looking for a job yesterday (something I hate doing) I went to the gym.

I've been going for walks with my boyfriend a few times a week recently (he can only do low impact exercise since he's currently dealing with a pretty nasty back injury) so when I actually got back in the gym yesterday it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, you know, not having set foot in a gym for longer than I cared to admit to myself.

I need to get serious about this weight loss thing though. I was a size 12-14 but now I'm flirting with a size 16 and that does not feel good any way that you try to look at it. And believe me, I have tried to look at it in many different ways in an effort to try and rationalize myself out of the need to actually face this issue and do something about it.

I can tell myself that I'm big boned all I want, that I'm built like a peasant, that I'm European-sized but the fact of the matter is, I'm fat.

There it is, staring at me in print.

Kind of hurts a little to put it out there but maybe this will be the push that I need to actually do something about it. My hope is that writing it down, putting it out there, will force me to stick with it. Will not enable me to rationalize my way out of going to the gym, or eat a box of cookies. I need to make healthier eating choices (which isn't the biggest struggle honestly, although I do have a wicked sweet tooth), make time for exercise and find a way to force myself onto the scale at least once a week. That's what I did last summer and it was a serious motivator.

I just got back from the gym and I was sweating and hurting and glowing. I felt fantastic. I was actually smiling while I was running (for a minute at a time, baby steps, let's not get crazy) on the treadmill. Clearly this is something that I need to be doing more of.

I hope that you will join me as I fight this battle. Share your stories, egg me on, give me tips! Here's hoping that this time I stay on the wagon. Bring on Day 3!

Distressing Facts

2010-01-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes you are bored or waiting for something and look for suitable reading material to pass the time? Well I did that today and learned some distressing things.

Apparently butter chicken, that most wonderful east Indian dish, is bad for you. Like really bad.

I was waiting for my friend to join me on our last break this afternoon and started reading this article about people's favourite dishes. Being January, I should have known better. Of course it would be telling me how bad things are for me, you know, making people aware of what they are eating and all that. Well butter chicken is going to put you about 1700 calories in the hole.

That's almost all of the daily recommended intake of calories.

OK let's be honest. The east Indian place was open today after 3 long weeks and my friend pressured me into having butter chicken for lunch.

I should have known better, I should have resisted. But it's early in the new regime. I've heard it said that it takes 30 days for a new idea or regiment to become a habit. And I'm barely on day 3.

But I caved. And later in the day karma sent me this article so that I could see the error in my ways. And now I know. I made a big mistake.

But it got me thinking. About calories unfortunately. Although I'm not a fanatic calorie counter (if that works for you, more power to you. Something different for everyone) I do like to be aware of what I'm eating. Well for the past 6 months anyway.

I think more than calories it's important to look at the sodium content. Sodium is seriously the hidden danger- there is loads of it in everything! Anything frozen probably has tons of sodium to preserve it. Also the amount of fat in something. Yeah there is the whole thing about good fats but you are not seriously going to tell me that the amount of fat in a pizza pocket is good fat are you?

Please.

Anyway, my eyes were definitely opened. And as penance I'm going to the gym tonight. Or for a walk outside- it's clear out for a change. I want to take advantage. Plus it's January- have you been to your gym at all this week?? It's MENTAL.

Fresh air is better- you'll sleep like a baby.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sweet Tooth Meltdown

2010-01-05T16:42:00.001-08:00

I admit it. Today I caved and had a piece of chocolate. It wasn't crappy chocolate (if I'm going to fail I might as well fail spectacularly) it was a delicious Lindt chocolate, all creamy and smooth and oh so good.

Yes, Day 2 bag on the wagon and I've fallen off already. Doesn't bode well for my long term success does it?

It was a bad day. Got bad news from my mom and work was a disaster. And I caved.

But in true blogger form, I have examined my fall (from a rather high horse if you read yesterday) and I think I know the problem.

It was available.

Within arms reach actually. A remnant of that festive season of overeating and indulging in all those forbidden treats. And when I needed an emotional pick-me-up I went straight for it.

One of the hardest things about this little quest I'm on I denying myself those little pleasures that were I a size 6 I could easily indulge in. But I didn't get to be a size 14 by moderation did I?

(actually I'm fairly certain that I got to size 14 due to my apppalling lack of any physical activity)

Anyway. Lesson learned. If i'm going to be successful at conquering my food demons (mainly refined sugars. The worst kind: cookies, cakes, pastries etc) I can't make them so easily available.

So I'm throwing it away. All those Christmas treats are going in the garbage (I might not have the heart, I might donate them to work- in the lunchroom in plain sight so I won't be tempted. All those people watching and judging you see) and I'm clearing out my desk of any sugar.

Initially the cravings will be intense. But with a little willpower (I gotta exercise that more often too) I'm positive I can beat them.

I also have a secret weapon: gum. The Biggest Loser < /em> is really onto something there. A little piece of gum, almost no calories and the sweet craving is gone!

How are you beating your cravings?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New Year, New Beginning

2010-01-04T16:46:00.001-08:00
So if you have been keeping up...well you will have noticed that there hasn't been anything to keep up with! Since my strong start (I like to think it was a strong start) I have done nothing. About this here blog or, if I'm honest, about my intended weight loss.

I have a list of excuses ready for you but I don't want to insult your intelligence. I like to think that many of you have found yourselves in this same position; you make a commitment to yourself, start seeing some progress and immediately you start cutting corners. That scoop of ice cream won't hurt, some cookies here won't make a difference and skipping a work out today won't matter that much.

But my complete lack of any success since late summer would seem to show otherwise.

When you skip your work out once you are more likely to skip the one after that and the one after that. Pretty soon you are watching people work out on TV guilt free. Not good.

The thing about weight loss that sucks so much (because let's face it- losing weight is a sucky process. All that deprivation and sweating) is that you kind of have to make a long term commitment to that one person that is the easiest to lie to. Yourself.

I can see that I am danger of getting all preachy and that is definitely not my intention!

My intention is to share my weight loss journey with others in the hopes that a) I will be inspired by you to keep going and b) to inspire others to do the same. Strength in numbers and all that.

So how do I plan on pulling this off?

Well I made a start today: brought my lunch to work and had breakfast at home.

I would say these are key. Breakfast at home prevents that mid morning Starbucks run (where I inevitably take a chocolate croissant back with me), lunch allows me to keep track of what is in my food. I'm not going all Biggest Loser on my lunch with portioned turkey or anything. I'm useless in the kitchen- but I bring a low calorie frozen meal, an apple and a yoghurt. Simple right? I also live to drink water so I don't have to worry about cutting out soda- I just don't like the stuff.

And the next, rather obvious step, is exercise. I'm pledging to go at least 4 times a week. For an hour. To start.

And finally- I will weigh myself once a week and write it down to keep track of the progress (or setbacks). I hate the scale but last time I found that it really was the single most important tool in weight loss.

So. Today marks the return to this here blog and a renewed commitment to my own health and well being.

Anonymously of course. I still find it embarassing to have even gotten to this point!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Inconsistency

2009-09-23T10:00:00.000-07:00
Clearly this blog project isn't going as well as I had hoped. I have been hopeless at keeping this blog up to date. A list of excuses is running through my head, but I won't insult you by putting any of them up.

I have had bad weeks and good weeks. It seems like I will have a good week (last week I dropped 5lbs) followed immediately by a bad week (this week I gained 3). I think its because I let myself get fooled into thinking that the weight will just drop off without actually doing anything. The week that I lost the 5lbs I couldn't tell myself that it was because I had worked hard, I just kept seeing that I had gone out, been drinking, had only gone to the gym twice etc. So the next week, I told myself that it would still come off, without any hard work. Big mistake.

So I guess the biggest thing that I am having trouble with is consistency. And this should not come as a surprise at all. This has always been the problem with anything that I do.I kind of feel guilty too. The few people that I have chosen to tell that I am trying to lose weight have been really supportive of it. Then I gain weight back and I feel shame.

But every day is a new start right? I just looked at some wedding pictures of a girl I went to highschool with and she looked fantastic. I went to a wedding in the spring of another friend of mine who also looked beautiful. Both girls have lost a substantial amount of weight. And if they can do it, whats stopping me? I'm not getting married or anything, but one day I will and do I really want the pressure of losing weight on top of all the other stresses that go along with a wedding? Probably not.

My boyfriend has decided that after a long year of physio to try and sort out his back, he is ready to start running again. And I am hoping that I will be able to run with him. I think it will be a good thing to do together (and will get rid of one of the obstacles of going to the gym: leaving him at home) and more than that I think it will be easier to have a buddy.

I seem to be the last one that is really working on this weight loss thing. I have several friends that decided to lose the weight and they have all been successful at it. Part of it must be their mindset--I think sometimes I feel like it won't happen before I even start. And this is what I have to change. I seem to have the eating thing down, I take great pride in my ability to say no to cookies and cakes now. I am also fuller a lot sooner into a meal and have been eating smaller portions. But this alone will not allow me to drop the weight. I need to exercise as well. I'm young, it will fall off quickly.

If I stick with it.

So that's my goal for the week: to stick with it. To ignore the little voices piping up with excuses all the time. To put my need to lose weight ahead of spending time with my friends and my boyfriend. I mean, if they can do it on The Biggest Loser, surely I can do it too!

Anticipation Angst

2009-08-18T20:46:00.000-07:00
Tomorrow is the big day. Scale day. First thing in the morning. A good way to wake up if progress has been made. A bad start to the day if I have fallen behind.

I feel like there were more reasons to fail this week. I feel like I made more bad decisions, was maybe a little more lax with my self imposed rules. Perhaps because of my success the first week, I thought that I didn't have to work as hard. I skipped a work out to go to dinner 3 times and on Friday night engaged in some pretty serious drinking (but after an intense work out).

That said, I did also manage to get in 2 hardcore workouts and several walks. So we will see. Definitely not anticipating results like last week, but any weight lost, is weight lost!

The good news is that last week's 7 lbs seem to be noticeable. Mostly in my waist and my face. Even my boyfriend has noticed something different about my face. There is a decided lack of double chin on my face now and I can even see a hint of defined cheekbones!

When I went out on Friday I feel like I was more confident than before. It must have shown- I got hit on several times AND a homeless man told my boyfriend he should marry me because I was "beeeeautiful"--always good to hear. Even from a man that lives on the street. Maybe especially from these men as they are more apt to call out things like "fat whore"...

I wish that I had done more. But at least with the scale I will know where I stand. There's no guess work involved, no feelings. Its numbers. And they don't lie (unless I have an inaccurate scale...) and there is some comfort in that.

So tomorrow morning, I will step on the scale and face the decisions I made this week. And for good or for evil, I will know what needs to happen.

Wish me luck!

Milestone!

2009-08-12T09:24:00.000-07:00
So its been a week since that first step on the scary scale. And do you know what? It wasn’t nearly as scary today!

I figured that I would weigh myself once a week—this way I wont become obsessive about tiny increments, better able to focus on the more important exercise, and see a (hopefully) bigger result when I do weigh myself. So last Wednesday was the big first weigh and as noted, it was worse than I thought. But it was a starting point and that number stayed in my head all week, forcing me to say no to delicious pastries and yes to almost daily exercise.

I didn’t sleep that well in nervous anticipation. When I did catch some sleep I actually dreamt about my weighing and my dream told me that I had lost 2lbs—about what I was expecting to lose. So realistic was the dream that when I woke up, I actually thought that I had weighed myself already. But I hadn’t. I almost chickened out too!

But I didn’t! When I weighed myself, the results were so much better than I had anticipated! I lost 7lbs this week! That’s like Biggest Loser worthy! I can’t even believe that it came off so fast! I mean, I know that I have made some significant changes (like eating breakfast!), but I had no idea they would be so effective!

I’m going to bask in the glow of my success today. But then I will go back to worrying about my success next week. I’m afraid that this coming week, life gets in the way a little bit. I usually go to the gym after work. Tonight we have friends coming over for dinner and tomorrow night I am going to my parents for dinner. I don’t have to worry so much about what my mom is going to make for dinner (she is on Weight Watchers) but I worry that I won’t make it to the gym. Add to that our intentions of going away this weekend…and I’m not sure how many sessions of exercise I’m going to get in!

But like I said—I will worry about that tomorrow. For today I will celebrate my milestone!

Variety is the Spice of Life

2009-08-06T20:24:00.000-07:00
I stepped on the scale. And it wasn't pretty.

But now I know. And I can do something about it. When progress has been made (like real, awe-inspiring progress) I might even share the actual number. For now just know that it was a lot worse than I thought.

But it has actually had the intended effect! I do a) think about what I am eating and b) make sure that I exercise daily. Usually when I do this, it lasts for a few days at most. When I get complacent...well I'm sure you have been there too.

The past 2 weeks (since the scale moved into my house) its been different. I make conscious decisions to eat better (and less) and exercise more. So in an effort to encourage others to make a start, here is what I have learned over the past 2 weeks.

1. Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day. I didn't used to eat before I left for work. The result? A chocolate croissant with my daily tea misto. Chock full of how many calories, filled me up for an hour and a half maybe and then? Starving. For the past 2 weeks I have been eating Life cereal (words cannot describe the sweet crunchy goodness) with skim milk and strawberries. Or blueberries. Bananas would probably work--you get the idea. And what a world of difference! Now I'm full from 7am until around noon! Which in turn keeps me away from that nasty snacking habit we talked about.

2. Gum is great. I kept hearing this tip last season on The Biggest Loser (is there any show more inspiring on TV now?) and I wondered if it really worked. It does. Essentially you get a sugar craving and you pop a piece of gum in your mouth. The calories (if any) are so minute that its not a big deal and it totally satisfies my sweet tooth. So now? I always have gum handy!

3. Keep it interesting. I do enjoy going to the gym for a workout. The machines are state of the art, there are TVs on each machine, the atmosphere is encouraging and only women are allowed. But sometimes its a real drag to make myself go there after work. So this week in addition to gym workouts I have enlisted my boyfriend to help. We played basketball for an hour yesterday and today we played tennis for an hour (plus a 20 minute walk to the courts and 20 minutes back home). I can already feel muscle pain from tennis, so its obviously working!

4. It gets easier every day! The first day I was inches away from breaking at every moment--a free cookie, not enough energy for the gym etc. But now? I just say no and move on. Perhaps most satisfying (aside from the feeling of elation after a great sweaty workout) is that I feel so much better. I sleep better. I already have more energy.

Who knew that eating well and exercise were so good for you?

The Scale

2009-08-04T11:23:00.000-07:00
Is there anything more intimidating than the sight of a scale? I suppose actually stepping on said scale would rank up there, but I get rattled just seeing the cheeky bugger on the floor in the bathroom.

You should know that up until last week there was never a scale in my house. My mom got rid of the scale when I was a teenager- said that she didn’t want me to become obsessed about weighing myself. That it would lead to anorexia. I suspect it was more that my mom didn’t want to be reminded of her own burgeoning weight at the time (to be fair she was pregnant). So I grew up with a healthy aversion to scales and weighing myself.

Well obviously not healthy. I loathe scales. I break into a cold sweat at the sight of this scale. And although I forced my boyfriend to go out and buy one (there was no way that I was going to be seen buying a scale!) I have yet to actually stand on it. Because standing on will tell me what I actually weigh. And I haven’t known what I actually weigh…ever.

If the scale inspires such fear and unease why did I bring one into my house? Because I have heard that it is the single most important tool in effective weight loss. Friends (and my mom) that have lost a significant amount of weight all swear that it works. Its not about becoming obsessive about stepping on it 12 times a day, or starving yourself to get to a goal weight. Its more about encouragement and management.

I have been told that the one thing that spurns people on to keep going, to stick to a diet, to maintain a consistent exercise schedule is the scale. Because you can see progress. You have a concrete measurement of your success (and alternatively your failures). While you can lie to yourself, rationalize decisions about diet and lack of exercise, the scale lays it out for you the way it really is. And this is supposed to inspire you to keep going.

The other side of this is maintenance. Once you have reached your goal, the challenge is not slipping back into old habits. A friend of mine, who lost at least 40lbs recently told me that she steps on the scale every day. At first I thought this was excessive and told her so. She explained that it was a way to keep herself in check. If her weight is down she can indulge a little bit that day. If she has gained a pound or 2 she knows she needs to make time to take an extra aerobics class, go for a long walk, or watch her snacking.

For me, this was all enlightening. I had never thought that a scale could be so…helpful! I still haven’t stood on it. But I am sure that I will soon. At least I have one in my house now! And I could definitely do with some positive reinforcement!

Baby Steps

2009-07-29T11:22:00.000-07:00
Today, I refused a cookie.

It was empowering. I never refuse a free cookie. Or pastry. Doughnuts I’m not so fond of. But I have a really bad sweet tooth. And a penchant for eating when I am bored. Or hungry (and that happens more often when you don’t eat breakfast). Or emotional. Not good.

But today, cookies were offered and I said “no, thank you”. Three simple words. Clearly the blog has made a difference. Let me take you through the 3.5 second thought process that went through my head as the proffered cookies were in front of me (and they were those nice chewy double chocolate chip ones too):

Me: Those cookies sure look delicious
Other me: but if you eat one cookie you will eat 2
Me: but they are so small
Other me: small but deadly. Plus you went to the gym last night. It will have been for nothing!
Me: one or 2 cookies isn’t going to undo it all
Other me: first it’s a cookie, then it’s a croissant, then its not going to the gym tonight. It’s a slippery slope
Me: those cookies look chewy
Other me: don’t do it! You want your next blog post to be about how you didn’t refuse the cookie??
Me: damn it! I can’t have a cookie

Which led to the “no thank you” we already discussed. Big day.

I have just been informed that a co-worker would like to bring in cookies tomorrow. So I guess my willpower will be tested again. I hope she uses something like raisins. Then I won’t be tempted.

Baby steps right?

The Proverbial Straw

2009-07-28T12:34:00.000-07:00
A couple of things happened to me this past week to make me think that perhaps it is time to take control and change certain aspects of my life. I have never been a thin girl (well I was up until I was 11 and then puberty played a very cruel trick on me), but I like to think that I have never been a fat girl either.

Apparently its been a while since I have looked in the mirror properly.

I'm a Marilyn Monroe size 14. However, things have changed a little bit since Marilyn's day (thanks Twiggy) and a size 14 no longer seems to be acceptable. Beyond that, I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore, something I was happy to dwell on every day but not something I was prepared to actually do anything about. I have never been a very proactive person, not one to join in on group activities of my own volition. I also happen to be a world class procrastinator, and a gold medal rationalist. As in, "I won't go to the gym tonight, but I definitely will tomorrow" or "I don't have the energy to go to the gym tonight, so I will rest up and go tomorrow".

Well there are a few things that have changed that have made me realize that I can't keep going down this path. For one thing I have a wedding to go to in the next year, and the family that I haven't seen since last year will notice the weight gain. And they will comment. And it will be bad. So for the first time I have a goal, an event that will spurn me on to look and feel amazing.

I also read my horoscope a few weeks back (I know, so flakey) and it said that if I took a new approach, a fitness regime would have fantastic results. It actually said that. So I figurethat one of my biggest problems with sticking to something is that I have no accountability. Oh I know, I should be accountable to myself, I'm doing it for me, I will be the one to reap the rewards etc. All true. But I'm the kind of person that won't do something unless its for another person, or to show another person what I am capable of. I haven't decided if that's selfless or pathetic. So new approach? Blogging about the experience and being accountable to you, the reader.

So I had all this in mind when I encountered the following mortifying incidents.

#1. Went to lunch with my mother. My mother has been following Weight Watchers for a year and a half now and she looks fantastic. Its really worked for her. So she is at that stage where she is spreading her message, you know, when someone has done something that has worked so now they will tell anyone who will listen that they should do the same? My mom has been dropping hints for months now that I should do the same, but like a man, I have pretended not to notice. So long as I was the only one that thought that I was getting fat, I didn't have to do anything about it. Well we were driving back from lunch and my mom gets all quiet and serious and she says to me "I'm concerned about your health. You have been putting on weight steadily all year". Am frozen with disbelief. And shame. So much shame. I'm not the only one that has noticed. It is actually true- I have gotten fat.

#2. Went to a family BBQ- my boyfriend's family. A few of them I was meeting for the first time. Was wearing an empire waisted dress, I thought it was flattering. Got a lot of compliments on my dress in fact. But then my boyfriend's cousin's wife introduces me to her mother. Who is an old woman (I would guesstimate 80+) . She looks like a sweet old lady. But she's not. She's one of those harsh old ladies wrapped up in sweet old lady clothing. She looks at me and says "so you're the pregnant one?". I am not in fact the pregnant cousin. But I think we can all guess how that made me feel.

So the time has come to do something about it. I don't actually eat that poorly. I do however sit on my ass a fair amount of the time- 8 hours at work and then another few at home, prefering the solitude of a book or the mindless drone of the tv to the sweaty mess of the gym.

But my gym does have tv's on all the cardio machines...

I know that I can do this. I just need the accountability to stick to it. I have a handful of friends that through hard work have actually managed to drop a fair amount of weight. I have no money for fancy trainers, or food programs delivered to my door, and a serious distrust of any magic pill that helps you to lose weight so this will all have to be done by exercising, and I guess, watching what I eat :(. I should also point out that I have no desire to be a size 2. I am 5'8", that would be ridiculous. But I do have a desire to feel good in my own skin, not to be so lumpy and to be able to enjoy going shopping.

So I hope you keep reading--leave me messages so I know what you are thinking!

Here I go!