Inconsistency

Clearly this blog project isn't going as well as I had hoped. I have been hopeless at keeping this blog up to date. A list of excuses is running through my head, but I won't insult you by putting any of them up.

I have had bad weeks and good weeks. It seems like I will have a good week (last week I dropped 5lbs) followed immediately by a bad week (this week I gained 3). I think its because I let myself get fooled into thinking that the weight will just drop off without actually doing anything. The week that I lost the 5lbs I couldn't tell myself that it was because I had worked hard, I just kept seeing that I had gone out, been drinking, had only gone to the gym twice etc. So the next week, I told myself that it would still come off, without any hard work. Big mistake.

So I guess the biggest thing that I am having trouble with is consistency. And this should not come as a surprise at all. This has always been the problem with anything that I do.I kind of feel guilty too. The few people that I have chosen to tell that I am trying to lose weight have been really supportive of it. Then I gain weight back and I feel shame.

But every day is a new start right? I just looked at some wedding pictures of a girl I went to highschool with and she looked fantastic. I went to a wedding in the spring of another friend of mine who also looked beautiful. Both girls have lost a substantial amount of weight. And if they can do it, whats stopping me? I'm not getting married or anything, but one day I will and do I really want the pressure of losing weight on top of all the other stresses that go along with a wedding? Probably not.

My boyfriend has decided that after a long year of physio to try and sort out his back, he is ready to start running again. And I am hoping that I will be able to run with him. I think it will be a good thing to do together (and will get rid of one of the obstacles of going to the gym: leaving him at home) and more than that I think it will be easier to have a buddy.

I seem to be the last one that is really working on this weight loss thing. I have several friends that decided to lose the weight and they have all been successful at it. Part of it must be their mindset--I think sometimes I feel like it won't happen before I even start. And this is what I have to change. I seem to have the eating thing down, I take great pride in my ability to say no to cookies and cakes now. I am also fuller a lot sooner into a meal and have been eating smaller portions. But this alone will not allow me to drop the weight. I need to exercise as well. I'm young, it will fall off quickly.

If I stick with it.

So that's my goal for the week: to stick with it. To ignore the little voices piping up with excuses all the time. To put my need to lose weight ahead of spending time with my friends and my boyfriend. I mean, if they can do it on The Biggest Loser, surely I can do it too!

Anticipation Angst

Tomorrow is the big day. Scale day. First thing in the morning. A good way to wake up if progress has been made. A bad start to the day if I have fallen behind. 

I feel like there were more reasons to fail this week. I feel like I made more bad decisions, was maybe a little more lax with my self imposed rules. Perhaps because of my success the first week, I thought that I didn't have to work as hard. I skipped a work out to go to dinner 3 times and on Friday night engaged in some pretty serious drinking (but after an intense work out).

That said, I did also manage to get in 2 hardcore workouts and several walks. So we will see. Definitely not anticipating results like last week, but any weight lost, is weight lost!

The good news is that last week's 7 lbs seem to be noticeable. Mostly in my waist and my face. Even my boyfriend has noticed something different about my face. There is a decided lack of double chin on my face now and I can even see a hint of defined cheekbones! 

When I went out on Friday I feel like I was more confident than before. It must have shown- I got hit on several times AND a homeless man told my boyfriend he should marry me because I was "beeeeautiful"--always good to hear. Even from a man that lives on the street. Maybe especially from these men as they are more apt to call out things like "fat whore"...

I wish that I had done more. But at least with the scale I will know where I stand. There's no guess work involved, no feelings. Its numbers. And they don't lie (unless I have an inaccurate scale...) and there is some comfort in that.

So tomorrow morning, I will step on the scale and face the decisions I made this week. And for good or for evil, I will know what needs to happen.

Wish me luck!

Milestone!

So its been a week since that first step on the scary scale. And do you know what? It wasn’t nearly as scary today!

I figured that I would weigh myself once a week—this way I wont become obsessive about tiny increments, better able to focus on the more important exercise, and see a (hopefully) bigger result when I do weigh myself. So last Wednesday was the big first weigh and as noted, it was worse than I thought. But it was a starting point and that number stayed in my head all week, forcing me to say no to delicious pastries and yes to almost daily exercise.

I didn’t sleep that well in nervous anticipation. When I did catch some sleep I actually dreamt about my weighing and my dream told me that I had lost 2lbs—about what I was expecting to lose. So realistic was the dream that when I woke up, I actually thought that I had weighed myself already. But I hadn’t. I almost chickened out too!

But I didn’t! When I weighed myself, the results were so much better than I had anticipated! I lost 7lbs this week! That’s like Biggest Loser worthy! I can’t even believe that it came off so fast! I mean, I know that I have made some significant changes (like eating breakfast!), but I had no idea they would be so effective!

I’m going to bask in the glow of my success today. But then I will go back to worrying about my success next week. I’m afraid that this coming week, life gets in the way a little bit. I usually go to the gym after work. Tonight we have friends coming over for dinner and tomorrow night I am going to my parents for dinner. I don’t have to worry so much about what my mom is going to make for dinner (she is on Weight Watchers) but I worry that I won’t make it to the gym. Add to that our intentions of going away this weekend…and I’m not sure how many sessions of exercise I’m going to get in!

But like I said—I will worry about that tomorrow. For today I will celebrate my milestone!

Variety is the Spice of Life

I stepped on the scale. And it wasn't pretty.

But now I know. And I can do something about it. When progress has been made (like real, awe-inspiring progress) I might even share the actual number. For now just know that it was a lot worse than I thought.

But it has actually had the intended effect! I do a) think about what I am eating and b) make sure that I exercise daily. Usually when I do this, it lasts for a few days at most. When I get complacent...well I'm sure you have been there too.

The past 2 weeks (since the scale moved into my house) its been different. I make conscious decisions to eat better (and less) and exercise more. So in an effort to encourage others to make a start, here is what I have learned over the past 2 weeks.

1. Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day. I didn't used to eat before I left for work. The result? A chocolate croissant with my daily tea misto. Chock full of how many calories, filled me up for an hour and a half maybe and then? Starving. For the past 2 weeks I have been eating Life cereal (words cannot describe the sweet crunchy goodness) with skim milk and strawberries. Or blueberries. Bananas would probably work--you get the idea. And what a world of difference! Now I'm full from 7am until around noon! Which in turn keeps me away from that nasty snacking habit we talked about.

2. Gum is great. I kept hearing this tip last season on The Biggest Loser (is there any show more inspiring on TV now?) and I wondered if it really worked. It does. Essentially you get a sugar craving and you pop a piece of gum in your mouth. The calories (if any) are so minute that its not a big deal and it totally satisfies my sweet tooth. So now? I always have gum handy!

3. Keep it interesting. I do enjoy going to the gym for a workout. The machines are state of the art, there are TVs on each machine, the atmosphere is encouraging and only women are allowed. But sometimes its a real drag to make myself go there after work. So this week in addition to gym workouts I have enlisted my boyfriend to help. We played basketball for an hour yesterday and today we played tennis for an hour (plus a 20 minute walk to the courts and 20 minutes back home). I can already feel muscle pain from tennis, so its obviously working!

4. It gets easier every day! The first day I was inches away from breaking at every moment--a free cookie, not enough energy for the gym etc. But now? I just say no and move on. Perhaps most satisfying (aside from the feeling of elation after a great sweaty workout) is that I feel so much better. I sleep better. I already have more energy.

Who knew that eating well and exercise were so good for you?

The Scale

Is there anything more intimidating than the sight of a scale? I suppose actually stepping on said scale would rank up there, but I get rattled just seeing the cheeky bugger on the floor in the bathroom.

You should know that up until last week there was never a scale in my house. My mom got rid of the scale when I was a teenager- said that she didn’t want me to become obsessed about weighing myself. That it would lead to anorexia. I suspect it was more that my mom didn’t want to be reminded of her own burgeoning weight at the time (to be fair she was pregnant). So I grew up with a healthy aversion to scales and weighing myself.

Well obviously not healthy. I loathe scales. I break into a cold sweat at the sight of this scale. And although I forced my boyfriend to go out and buy one (there was no way that I was going to be seen buying a scale!) I have yet to actually stand on it. Because standing on will tell me what I actually weigh. And I haven’t known what I actually weigh…ever.

If the scale inspires such fear and unease why did I bring one into my house? Because I have heard that it is the single most important tool in effective weight loss. Friends (and my mom) that have lost a significant amount of weight all swear that it works. Its not about becoming obsessive about stepping on it 12 times a day, or starving yourself to get to a goal weight. Its more about encouragement and management.

I have been told that the one thing that spurns people on to keep going, to stick to a diet, to maintain a consistent exercise schedule is the scale. Because you can see progress. You have a concrete measurement of your success (and alternatively your failures). While you can lie to yourself, rationalize decisions about diet and lack of exercise, the scale lays it out for you the way it really is. And this is supposed to inspire you to keep going.

The other side of this is maintenance. Once you have reached your goal, the challenge is not slipping back into old habits. A friend of mine, who lost at least 40lbs recently told me that she steps on the scale every day. At first I thought this was excessive and told her so. She explained that it was a way to keep herself in check. If her weight is down she can indulge a little bit that day. If she has gained a pound or 2 she knows she needs to make time to take an extra aerobics class, go for a long walk, or watch her snacking.

For me, this was all enlightening. I had never thought that a scale could be so…helpful! I still haven’t stood on it. But I am sure that I will soon. At least I have one in my house now! And I could definitely do with some positive reinforcement!

Baby Steps

Today, I refused a cookie.

It was empowering. I never refuse a free cookie. Or pastry. Doughnuts I’m not so fond of. But I have a really bad sweet tooth. And a penchant for eating when I am bored. Or hungry (and that happens more often when you don’t eat breakfast). Or emotional. Not good.

But today, cookies were offered and I said “no, thank you”. Three simple words. Clearly the blog has made a difference. Let me take you through the 3.5 second thought process that went through my head as the proffered cookies were in front of me (and they were those nice chewy double chocolate chip ones too):

Me: Those cookies sure look delicious
Other me: but if you eat one cookie you will eat 2
Me: but they are so small
Other me: small but deadly. Plus you went to the gym last night. It will have been for nothing!
Me: one or 2 cookies isn’t going to undo it all
Other me: first it’s a cookie, then it’s a croissant, then its not going to the gym tonight. It’s a slippery slope
Me: those cookies look chewy
Other me: don’t do it! You want your next blog post to be about how you didn’t refuse the cookie??
Me: damn it! I can’t have a cookie

Which led to the “no thank you” we already discussed. Big day.

I have just been informed that a co-worker would like to bring in cookies tomorrow. So I guess my willpower will be tested again. I hope she uses something like raisins. Then I won’t be tempted.

Baby steps right?

The Proverbial Straw

A couple of things happened to me this past week to make me think that perhaps it is time to take control and change certain aspects of my life. I have never been a thin girl (well I was up until I was 11 and then puberty played a very cruel trick on me), but I like to think that I have never been a fat girl either.

Apparently its been a while since I have looked in the mirror properly.

I'm a Marilyn Monroe size 14. However, things have changed a little bit since Marilyn's day (thanks Twiggy) and a size 14 no longer seems to be acceptable. Beyond that, I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore, something I was happy to dwell on every day but not something I was prepared to actually do anything about. I have never been a very proactive person, not one to join in on group activities of my own volition. I also happen to be a world class procrastinator, and a gold medal rationalist. As in, "I won't go to the gym tonight, but I definitely will tomorrow" or "I don't have the energy to go to the gym tonight, so I will rest up and go tomorrow".

Well there are a few things that have changed that have made me realize that I can't keep going down this path. For one thing I have a wedding to go to in the next year, and the family that I haven't seen since last year will notice the weight gain. And they will comment. And it will be bad. So for the first time I have a goal, an event that will spurn me on to look and feel amazing.

I also read my horoscope a few weeks back (I know, so flakey) and it said that if I took a new approach, a fitness regime would have fantastic results. It actually said that. So I figurethat one of my biggest problems with sticking to something is that I have no accountability. Oh I know, I should be accountable to myself, I'm doing it for me, I will be the one to reap the rewards etc. All true. But I'm the kind of person that won't do something unless its for another person, or to show another person what I am capable of. I haven't decided if that's selfless or pathetic. So new approach? Blogging about the experience and being accountable to you, the reader.

So I had all this in mind when I encountered the following mortifying incidents.

#1. Went to lunch with my mother. My mother has been following Weight Watchers for a year and a half now and she looks fantastic. Its really worked for her. So she is at that stage where she is spreading her message, you know, when someone has done something that has worked so now they will tell anyone who will listen that they should do the same? My mom has been dropping hints for months now that I should do the same, but like a man, I have pretended not to notice. So long as I was the only one that thought that I was getting fat, I didn't have to do anything about it. Well we were driving back from lunch and my mom gets all quiet and serious and she says to me "I'm concerned about your health. You have been putting on weight steadily all year". Am frozen with disbelief. And shame. So much shame. I'm not the only one that has noticed. It is actually true- I have gotten fat.

#2. Went to a family BBQ- my boyfriend's family. A few of them I was meeting for the first time. Was wearing an empire waisted dress, I thought it was flattering. Got a lot of compliments on my dress in fact. But then my boyfriend's cousin's wife introduces me to her mother. Who is an old woman (I would guesstimate 80+) . She looks like a sweet old lady. But she's not. She's one of those harsh old ladies wrapped up in sweet old lady clothing. She looks at me and says "so you're the pregnant one?". I am not in fact the pregnant cousin. But I think we can all guess how that made me feel.

So the time has come to do something about it. I don't actually eat that poorly. I do however sit on my ass a fair amount of the time- 8 hours at work and then another few at home, prefering the solitude of a book or the mindless drone of the tv to the sweaty mess of the gym.

But my gym does have tv's on all the cardio machines...

I know that I can do this. I just need the accountability to stick to it. I have a handful of friends that through hard work have actually managed to drop a fair amount of weight. I have no money for fancy trainers, or food programs delivered to my door, and a serious distrust of any magic pill that helps you to lose weight so this will all have to be done by exercising, and I guess, watching what I eat :(. I should also point out that I have no desire to be a size 2. I am 5'8", that would be ridiculous. But I do have a desire to feel good in my own skin, not to be so lumpy and to be able to enjoy going shopping.

So I hope you keep reading--leave me messages so I know what you are thinking!

Here I go!